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Staying the Course.. aka keep calm and stay afloat

February 26, 2017

Staying the Course in many ways is just a visual, satirical, and motivational speech to myself about perseverance and pride.  I am constantly second guessing my choices in life and I am not sure how much is "normal" pressure and worrying and how much my anxiety disorder is exaggerating this consistent paranoia but I can assure you the struggle is real.  I am at a certain point in my life where the pressure is mounting for me to make long term decisions.  28 is the new 30 as far as I am concerned when it comes to quarter life crisis.  Career, location, bills, marriage, continued education, kids, investing, BILLS, living, breathing, BILLS, sleep... aka ADULTING.  The nightly desire to just not exist for a little bit is coupled with the a routine of thinking about every bad choice I've ever made, cringing, thinking about all the bad choices I am currently making, cringing, and thinking about the choices I must make now that could affect the last remaining years of my 20's and a life of regret I could live if I don't make the right ones...... take a breath....cringing.  Like what is this shit?!  Despite all the fear, obsessing, tossing and turning, I have somehow managed to go in to hyperdrive every morning and evening planning, listing, managing, moving, creating and generally speaking getting shit done like a boss, because that's how my momma raised me.  The moment I sit, I think, and over thinking is a short stride away from that so I just keep moving and occupying my mind as to avoid lingering over a depressing or worry inducing thought for too long.   I pulled the phrase "Staying the Course" from the mantra currently being circulated in Virginia Beach Public City Schools, specifically on our paper towel dispensers.  Which is kind of hilarious considering they malfunction after approximately every three pulls and require maintenance to get it back functioning.  Hence the satire mentioned previously.  Staying the Course has both positive and negative connotations with me.  Negative being the paper towel dispenser and the fact that it reminds me of the phrase I hear when we are given more work to do that shouldn't really be our responsibility in the first place that goes something like "hey that's just part of the gig right"... UGH cringe.  I didn't realize my career was a GIG but OK COOL thanks.  The positive connection would be more so how the phrase is intended, sticking to your guns, not giving up, staying with it, finding a way, and persevering.  I find myself between those two mindsets as I go through this phase of life and in a constant switching between wanting to push through out of pride and resilience, while also wanting to switch gears, recognize that this path may be as faulty as my dispenser, and take a risk to move on to something different, maybe better, maybe not.  So as of now, I am an existence of staying afloat in a sea of debri and doubts, staying the course, waiting for a sunrise that may shed new light and hope on my path, but yet questioning my commitment every step of the way, wondering how much longer I can continue on before abandoning ship.



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